


Filters

by RedXD



Category: Hermitcraft RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Crushes, Gen, Heavy Angst, High School, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Perfect Student Xisuma, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Sort Of, Stress, Time Skips, Toxic Mindsets, Tutor Xisuma, Tutoring, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Xisumavoid deserves a hug, but they're small, compliments, light fluff, like a few days to a few weeks in between, no beta read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 18:48:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28729917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedXD/pseuds/RedXD
Summary: Xisuma becomes Keralis' tutor.orXisuma sees the world the wrong way.
Relationships: Arek Lisowski | Keralis/Xisumavoid (Video Blogging RPF), Keralis & Xisumavoid
Comments: 15
Kudos: 80





	Filters

**Author's Note:**

> okay so this fic is both a mess and something I'm genuinely proud of: I will state that I don't write Keralis or Xisuma a lot, nor do I watch them as frequently as I do others (not to mention writing Keralis' accent is a struggle and I don't think I did the best job in this fic but I tried) so be for warned that some dialogue and parts may be ooc but that is entirely because I just genuinely am still getting used to writing these two, however with that being said I am incredibly proud of the other aspects of this fic :D there are quite a few heavy themes but the biggest one in my opinion is the child abuse shit so just strap ya'll selves in bc this is a almost 6k rollercoaster of angst with some fluff in between
> 
> ALSO THANK YOU GUYS FOR THE POLL RESULTS !!! So many votes came in and I'm so happy to have gotten your guys feedback ^^

The thick pines, tree sap stained smells drifting between the emerald needles, decorate the area as if mother nature made a perfect cage. A fence of crowded trees that all smell dewey and green.

Xisuma has seen these thick trees millions of times before.

He’s watched as they slowly incase the school and bury him among the bustle of students.

The school itself is brick. Brick upon brick, all tightly knitted together with glue. Windows remain wedged in between the dusty gray brick.

Gray skies and gray bricks. Gray doors, gray windows, gray desks, gray papers, and gray graphite. It’s all depressing and gray.

Xisuma’s world has filters. Ones that make it eerie and dark.

The shimmering trees turn to a dull sewage color in his filter. Bright golden sunlight post-filter is more reminiscent of smoke.

There is no exception for the people in his life. The people at his school.

Grian, popular and bright, dressed in sharp reds, eyes a striking blue, is nothing of note within his filtered view. Tango the blood red toned blonde is almost unremarkable once his filter is on. The same case for so many others: Neon green Doc, perfect pink Stress, cheery yellow Impulse, and even burning blue eyed Beef.

His filter used to only be on when days got real bad. Now his filter clings to his sight like the worst kind of contacts. It never leaves him alone.

At one point he pondered if that was a sign of something… a shoving reminder that he isn’t happy… but he never let the idea flourish. It died faster than his mother’s rose bush in the backyard.

He’s perfect. Perfectly happy. Perfectly smart. Perfectly well-mannered. Perfectly beautiful. Perfectly diligent. Perfectly behaved and colorful. He smiles even when it feels like needles stabbing his cheeks. He studies even when his eyes droop every few seconds. He raises his hand even when it becomes a strange habit. He spends forever looking perfect each morning even though his mirror is shattered and cracked from bad days. He works even when it means losing possible friendships and moments of contact with those outside his small bubble of gray. He never talks back or picks a fight even when the comment hurts him in too many ways. He’s always yellow even when his world has only ever been gray to him for the past few years.

A perfect fraud.

‘It’s just highschool.’ Some say. ‘It’s just a stupid test, it doesn’t matter.’ Others say.

But they’re wrong. One failure could create a domino effect of failure and laziness. One misstep or burst of procrastination could send his entire future off the rails. Even worse, failing _highschool_ could kill him entirely. No future, no stable career, no value. This is what he’s been taught ever since he was little.

His parents have taught him everything he needs to know to hold value to the world. They’ve made it clear that he has to be _perfect._ He can never _fail._ And if he does, then there will be consequences. Terrible consequences.

Six years ago, there was an example for him. It was made from his twin brother, as if they had carved it out of his brother’s heart.

Alex wasn’t like him. He didn’t want to listen or obey, he did things their parents said not to do.

But he wasn’t a bad person. He was just… not what his parents wanted.

They shoved him out of the house one night. Said they didn’t want Alex to ever come back. That he was going to face the harsh consequences for his actions.

Xisuma made a mistake. He hid Alex in his room for over a week. He snuck food and took longer in the bathroom. He did everything he could because surely his parents didn’t think Alex deserved to be kicked out.

They found out after 10 days.

‘We love him, that’s why he can’t be here.’ They said as they dropped Alex at the airport. He was going to live with some extended family from then on.

‘We just want you both to understand that there are consequences for your failures. He failed to be our son, so these consequences will help him grow.’ They told him as they held him back, as he watched his brother be forced to go.

They were both only ten.

When they got home, they forced him to deal with the consequences for hiding his brother. All that extra food he took was made up for. It was the hungriest 10 days he’s ever had.

But it’s how the world works. That’s what his parents taught him from that lesson. They love him. They tell him it every time he has the nerve to doubt it. They love him, that’s why they punish him. To help him grow. To help him work harder. To fail less.

That’s all.

But a part of him… a small tiny part, it knows better. It knows why his world has a gray filter. It knows why he wears longer sleeves. It knows why he doesn’t sleep long. It knows why he’ll do anything to please his parents. It knows why he’s jealous of families on TV.

It knows everything.

—

There’s something about stress that makes it like a drug.

Stress makes you work harder and think about unnecessary things less. It makes your blood rush and adrenaline pump.

It tears you down and makes you crazy, but no matter how you try, it controls _you._

Stress is a drug and Xisuma is an addict. He never wanted to be, he _still_ doesn’t want to be, but it’s like a friend that you can never get rid of. A friend who always seems to be with you, even when uninvited each time. Stress is a friend who isn’t really a friend, but you can’t seem to say no.

So when Bdubs asks Xisuma if he would be able to tutor his friend, he can’t say no. Even though he knows it’ll lead to more stress and less sleep, he can never say _no._

“Sure, I can tutor them. What’s their name?”

Bdubs’ grins, “Keralis! Can I give him your phone number? You know when you're free better than I do.”

Xisuma feels the stress in his system. He can feel his speedy paced heart and shaky breaths.

“Sure.”

He feels sorta sick. Molasses wraps around his chest and makes everything inside feel clogged. His lungs feel stapled shut. Bdubs’ grateful smile reminds him that this is a _positive_ situation. That him tutoring someone again is a good thing.

Even if he feels lightheaded and nowhere near good.

“Thanks X! You’re the best guy I know.” The other cheers as he leaves the Student Council classroom.

_I really don’t feel like it right now. But he should be right. Perfect, Xisuma. Remember, perfect._

Those thoughts don’t prevent him from getting a headache within the following hour though.

He forces forward despite it.

—

Xisuma glances at the clock in the corner of the library he’s seated in. It ticks once more.   
  
_He’s late. Ten minutes late._

He sighs and moves his eyes back down to the book in his hand. It’s about bees and their biology, an easy way to pass the time while he waits. The cover feels smooth against his hand and as he flips each page, it crinkles ever so slightly. His mind drifts in and out.

The two of them, he and Keralis, agreed on the library yesterday. 3:40 pm on the dot is what they’d agreed to. However, despite it being 3:52 and Keralis still hasn’t shown up, he isn’t mad. He planned it out so that he has two and a half hours, so even if Keralis isn’t here, either way he’s getting a small break. The voice in his head that tells him he’s wasting time he could be using to work is easily drowned out by the feeling of relief.

  
Xisuma can’t remember the last time he’s gotten to just sit and do nothing besides skimming a familiar book.

A voice with a heavy accent that is a mix between Polish, Swedish, and English cuts through the air. “Hello!”

The voice scares him from his thoughts and he jumps. His eyes sprint up to look at the person who just greeted him.

“Oh goodness me,” He breathes out with a hand to his chest. “Keralis?”

He watches as a pair of wide brown doe eyes grow wider. “Dat’s me!” Despite Xisuma’s gray filter, he notices how the stranger practically _radiates_ bright happiness.

The boy’s brunette hair remains barely visible from beneath a steel colored cap. A bright, blinking grin covers his face as he plops down into the chair across from Xisuma. His backpack echoes out a clunk as it drops onto the floor beside him.

“You’re Shishwammy right?’

_Wait what-_

Staring in utter confusion, he can’t help letting out a light laugh. “What?” He closes the Bee Biology book with a soft thump.

Keralis tilts his head, “Dat’s you right? Shishwammy Void?”

More giggles erupt from his mouth and he nods, “Yeah I guess so.” He shakes his head, an unfamiliar smile gracing his face.

“What subjects do you need help with?” He asks. His tanned fingers drop his book into his bag, replacing it with some pens, pencils, notecards, and a notepad.

The other glances to the side in thought for a moment before shrugging, “I’m not doing good in science.” He chuckles.

Xisuma nods and takes out the chemistry book from the pile of library textbooks, since he’s in advanced classes. Fwip, Fwip. Little fluttering sounds as amit as he flips through the pages. “What chapter is your class in right now?”

“I’m on 8.” A speedy reply.

_Okay, this shouldn’t be too hard._

—

After about thirty minutes of studying, explaining, and laughing, Keralis lets out a tired chuckle.

“I’m so tired, can we take a quick break?” His voice is filled with hope and Xisuma as per usual feels weak and caves.

“Okay. I’ll go get some water from the vending machine.” He tells him. His sweater droops over his fingers, swallowing him whole as he steps out into the hallway through one of the library exits.

When he was younger, empty hallways always made him confused and a little intrigued. As a kid, it’s rare to be at the school past the time all the students have fled. Then he grew older, his schedule forced him to stay drifting around the school before leaving when the sky was setting.

Now, he’s been in so many clubs, sports, and other after school activities throughout his life, that even empty hallways don’t seem to make his world feel different or interesting. He supposes that the lack of either of those things is mainly his own fault. But, he doesn’t know how or if he should fix it. For now, he’s content seeing the soundless hallways every afternoon whether it’s because of Honors Society or Student Council or even just him studying in the library.

The vending machine stands against the wall next to the cafeteria, the doorways opposite of the gym. It shines a faded light blue, the color illuminating the words and numbers scratched out throughout the machine.

It only sells water, sparkling water, and iced tea, but Xisuma has never been against that. He nudges a few coins into the machine and gets the two waters catching his eye to drop with a thump to the bottom. Kneeling, he reaches in and grabs the waters and preparing to swiftly return to the library.

His reflection barely stares back at him in the clear screen of the vending machine. The reflection makes his stomach grow sick, from the purple eyebags that line the bottoms of his eyes to how pale his skin looks despite him usually looking much tanner. It all unsettles him. His hair is a mess, barely looking decent due to the yellow hair clips pinning his strands of dark brown hair back.

He wonders if he used to look this pained. Did he always look like he’s dying? Maybe he’s just got bad luck in the looks department or maybe he doesn’t want to admit to himself what is actually happening.

Maybe he shouldn’t worry about the scars he can feel across his body or the eyebags or the tired and dragging face. He doesn’t really know what to go with.

Instead he just drags his eyes away and makes his way back to Keralis.

When he returns, slumping immediately into his chair and handing Keralis the second water bottle, he watches the water ripple into place after each sip. He notices Keralis watching him, but he pays it no mind.

Within a minute or two, they return to studying.

—

It’s 5:20 when they’re finally packing up. Xisuma feels successful, since Keralis now has notecards to study for his next test and they covered a lot of the parts he’s been having trouble with.

He places the chemistry textbook atop the pile of thick spined library books. With a sharp intake of breath and a heave, he lifts them up into his arms and carefully places them into their different spots in the bookshelves, using his knees to balance all the weight.

Each book feels like it weighs more than an anvil, but he powers through and makes sure each book returns to its correct home.  
  
Keralis seems to notice his struggle and steps behind him, grabbing two of the books from the top of the pile. He flashes a smile as he turns to go put them back into the sea of informational books.

Xisuma feels his lips perk upwards and he shakes his head, shoving the last few books into the shelves.

With that and their bags packed up, they walk together in a peaceful silence to the school doors. The hallways are void of life besides the two of them. Repeated footsteps and the clinking of their backpacks are the only noises.

His fingers curl around the edges of his sweater sleeves, playing with the fabric as they walk.

The silence is broken when Keralis lets out a weary, “When Bdubs’ mentioned askin’ you to tutor me, I didn’t expect you to say yes.” He glances at the speaking male, only to find those brown doe eyes on him already.

Xisuma blinks in confusion and then smiles, “Why? I’ve tutored people before.”

An immediate reply. “You look tired.”

_What?_

Tired. _Tired._ It hits him like a gut punch. Because he isn’t tired. He’s not tired at all. He shouldn’t be tired. He _can’t_ be tired. He can’t afford to be.

But here is Keralis, someone he’s only spoken a bit to over text and now in person, who’s telling him that he looks tired. If he looks tired, then a small part of him wonders if that means his parents never are looking hard enough to notice.

“Really? I’m not tired, but I appreciate the concern.” He quips in response.

Up until now, he didn’t think Keralis was one to ever act so serious, but his expression is strange on his face. His eyes lock into a winding tango that spins in Keralis’ eyes. His expression looks at him ambivalently, as if wondering if Xisuma could explain the conflicting thoughts.

He can tell that the wide-eyed male doesn’t believe him. He can see it in the bright eyes of the other.

They reach the school doors and he doesn’t know if he’s ever been so happy to see his car.

The sky is dewey with post-rain mist.

His feet come to a halt beside the driver’s side of his car. He hears Keralis nearby, frozen in place. His eyes dart to look at the other.

Said boy spins on his heel, dopey smile in place as he calls out to him.

“I love your face, have I told you that? You look purty. He pipes out. It’s random and spontaneous, but the way he says it, it feels as if he’s never meant something more than he meant those few words. It makes Xisuma’s heart skip in place because does he know? Can he tell? Could he read his face earlier and know what he was thinking?

A part of him isn’t peeved by that thought. Another part of him doesn’t know what to think.

“Bim Bum, Bye Shishwammy!” Pitter pattering footsteps dance through the air as Keralis runs off to go find his own way home, Xisuma guesses.

_Okay. I can process this later._

He clicks open his car door and pulls it out, sliding inside. He slams the door shut beside him.

_Scratch that, I can’t stop hearing it._

_‘You look purty.’_

His heart slams back and forth against his chest, unable to handle his own thoughts. He doesn’t know why Keralis said that or if he could tell what he had been thinking about earlier, but either way the sincerity in his voice was crazy.

_‘You look purty.’_

Bwam!

Xisuma hits his head against his steering wheel, feeling heat parade his face. He feels extremely conflicted.

But that doesn’t mean he’ll let it distract him long. He lays his head against the steering wheel a moment longer, before shaking his head to try and shake off the main thing on his mind.

_Home, I go._

—

He can’t sleep.

Usually, sleeping is never a problem. Whenever Xisuma finally gets the chance to lay down and fall asleep, he’s out in a matter of minutes. However, his mind is swarming with life still and refuses to let him rest. Maybe it’s a consequence of getting his break earlier. Who knows.

Brown eyes and a massive, welcoming smile dance in the sea of his mind. Along with them are the terrifying and thrilling words he heard earlier today:

_‘You look purty.’_

His face is practically lit with flames that fold around him and keep him warm despite the freezing temperature in his room. He stares at his ceiling in the dark, wondering what in the world to do to fall asleep.

But nothing is working because what did Keralis mean by what he said?

What did he _mean_ when he said that Xisuma looks tired, that he’s ‘pretty?’ Why did he say that? Why is it that the second Xisuma thinks he’s got everything under control, he’s got a new reminder and suddenly he feels like he’s going to mess up. That the entire world will collapse beneath him and swallow him whole.

He feels so _weak_ against it all.

In the end, he knows he won’t be able to sleep. Not until he knows the answers. Not until he finishes the equation.

Springing from his bed, he clicks on his end table lamp. Soft yellow light fills a little segment of space around the lamp. It’s enough to light up the majority of his room with a weak light. His fingers snake around his phone, pulling it to his lap.

_Should I really go through with this? Sure, we sort of got to know each other a tiny bit during today’s tutor… And I_ have _heard stuff about Keralis from Bdubs before now. It’s not like we’re entirely strangers… but we aren’t much more than acquaintances…_

With a sharp inhale, he clicks on Keralis’ contact and types fast so as to not end up changing his mind before sending it.

**Me:** What did you mean that I look tired?

**Me:** Why did you call me pretty?

The time catches his eye. It’s midnight. He feels his heart rate spike. The drugs are back, the stress and anxiety. It makes him nauseous. Thoughts and panic swirl in his head, all too fast for him to catch up.

_I should delete the messages._

_It’s too late._

_What if he hates me? What if he can read through me even from simple messages?_

A ding sounds and he feels his entire body flinch hard. His phone slips from his hands, hitting his bed with a soft plof.

He glances at his phone screen, it shining with a soft blue glow.

**Keralis:** That?

**Keralis:** I’ve seen you around school before and in ASB videos

**Keralis:** It just seems like you’re tired because you overwork yourself

**Keralis:** And you’re also pretty so I let you know

Somehow Xisuma doesn’t know what to think of that. How can Keralis know things about him that Xisuma himself hasn’t fully come to terms with? How can Keralis see through to the truth he’s worked so hard to ignore?

And why does Keralis think he’s pretty and why did he tell him that? Why why why why?

It’s so confusing and unfamiliar. Keralis is like an incomprehensible electric shock. He has no clue where to go from here. The shock isn’t hurting him, but the small jolt is scrambling his head and he’s confused. It nearly woke him up, but it’s like he’s a step away from cracking and he just doesn’t know where to go or how.

**Keralis:** You okay?

The ding rings through his ears and he lets out a terrifyingly shaky breath.

**Me:** Sorry I didn’t realize how late it was. Goodnight Keralis.

He won’t cry. He refuses to.

That doesn’t change the lingering sting in his chest as he grabs the half empty bottle of melatonin on his end table. He swallows two of the little gummies and closes the cap onto the bottle.

_How can he see me for the fraud I am?_

_Maybe I’m just reading too far into it._

Xisuma sighs, hands shaking as he clicks his lamp off.

The darkness returns.

But the confusion and hurt never leaves.

—

His parents stare at him for a mere moment before looking away again. They rarely give him much attention unless he deserves it.

“Your hair is messy Xisuma. Only worthless people don’t clean up themselves. I do hope you plan to fix it before leaving.” His mother notes.

“Your mother is right, boy.”

He lowers his head, staring at the ground. “I’ll fix it now mother.”

“Atta boy.”

Xisuma paces down the hall and into his bedroom to grab a brush. He tries to get it to be less of a mess, but it remains curly and uncontrollable. With an exhausted exhale of air, he just grabs some hair clips and pins his hair back.

When he returns to the kitchen to finish packing himself a lunch, he hears his father whisper to his mother. It’s not nearly quiet enough and Xisuma flinches at the words.

“I sometimes wonder how the two of us managed to end up with such a lazy looking son.”

_But I spent so long this morning…_

His mother whispers back, “I do too.”

_They’re probably right… It’s hard to--_

_‘You look purty.’_

The memory makes him go stone cold. He blinks and feels his heart flutter.

_Maybe he just has a bad sense of judgement._

His lips press tightly together as he shakes the memory from his head and continues preparing for school.

—

After a week or two of study sessions two times a week, they agree upon a five to ten minute break every thirty minutes during their tutoring sessions.

When they finally reach that break, Xisuma is still getting distracted and he’s still confused. The two of them haven’t talked about the other day at all. Not a single word.

A strange air sits over them both instead. So strange that Xisuma doesn’t even realize Keralis went to the vending machine until he’s back and handing him a water bottle.

He presses it against Xisuma’s head. The cold condensation sinks against his skin and he jumps at the freezing touch. His eyes zip to Keralis’ giggly smile. It’s bright and for a moment Xisuma swears he thinks his filter leaves him, but it’s back so quickly that he doesn’t really know if it truly ever left him. For a second, the only thing in his world is the other’s smile and the water bottle in his hand. Then a second later, everything is back and his mind is tired again.

“You seem distracted, so I got water.”

_Oh._

The weird feelings only worsen because maybe Keralis can’t see through him, maybe he’s just more obvious than he thought. Somehow that feels worse than it being specific to Keralis. A part of him hopes it really is just Keralis.

“Thank you.” Xisuma takes the water bottle and stares at it for a moment in thought. So many thoughts. They control his mind, creating a hurricane of uncertainty inside. With a slow movement, he uncaps the water bottle.

The other shakes his head, “No no, spank you for-”

Xisuma chokes, almost spilling.

“-the free water yesterday.” Keralis finishes.

_Oh geez. His accent there caught me off guard._

“I guess we’re even now.” He hums.

Keralis nods and sits back down, leaning over the table to stare at Xisuma. “We can do something fun!”

“Sure? What do you have in mind?”

Instead of responding immediately, the swedish-polish male leans over and digs around in his bag for a minute, eyes flickering through his things before he grabs his phone from within the things in his bag.

Xisuma sips his water as he watches in curiosity.

“Selfie!”

_Wait what-_

Keralis takes out his phone and holds it up. It’s so stupid and random that Xisuma think’s he might double over laughing.

Instead, he simply giggles with a fond smile, “What?”

The wide-eyed boy simply gives a cheeky grin and then there’s a snapping noise of him taking a photo. Xisuma glances at him and realizes Keralis didn’t even look at his phone when taking the selfie. “Can I see your wonderful selfie?”

This prompts the other to turn his phone around long enough for Xisuma to come to the realization that he _didn’t_ take a selfie, he took a photo of _him._ However, before he can protest, Keralis pulls his phone back close to his chest with a pleased smile.

“For your contact photo!”

The confession makes him glance to the side with a bemused smile. Something about Keralis makes it difficult to frown. He doesn’t know what it is that causes him to feel so _alive_ when all he’s doing is tutoring and talking to Keralis.

His lips quirk up even higher as he lets out the smallest of teases, “I believe you just wasted your break time on a picture.”

“No, not like this!” Brown doe eyes beam at him with a whining noise in the back of Keralis’ throat.

“Derp.” He shakes his head and pulls the textbook he’s been using back towards him. “C’mon, we can play a game during the next break.”

This makes the other perk up.

They return to tutoring and studying.

—

Xisuma stares at his phone and for the first time that night, he realizes he’s grinning mad.

Noticing that leads to a slightly more shocking realization:

_My filter is completely off._

_I haven’t seen my room this colorful in years._

His heart races, spinning around and doing back flips as it bounces around in his chest. He feels mesmerized by how his world feels so bright and colorful right now and he’s not quite sure when the last time that’s happened to this extent was.

The slightly worrying part is _how_ his world has managed to suddenly light up.

Xisuma knows the reason. He knows why his heart is a mess of music strings, why his face feels on fire.

_Keralis._

It’s already 12:47 PM and Xisuma _knows_ he should be sleeping, but… he doesn’t even try.

Their conversation is like an art museum. It has so many exhibits that they talk about and then move onto the next. It’s a tour into the interests and opinions of the other person. Much like an art museum, it seems like something that Xisuma would hate by himself or with the wrong person. However, when he’s with the _right_ person, like Keralis, the entire thing is the most fun he thinks he’s ever had.

His phone dings and Xisuma’s eyes zip to the screen in a flash of excitement.

**Keralis:** You should sleep soon

**Keralis:** You’ll need rest for your test tomorrow

Xisuma’s heart swells and bounces in his chest so much he thinks he feels dizzy. He’s never seen so many colors in his life, even before the world grew gray to him.

Keralis is remarkable. He’s managed something Xisuma never thought possible.

Keralis has given Xisuma a reason to see the color in the world. Not just given a reason, he _is_ the reason.

He’s the reason Xisuma can actually see the good in the world again because Keralis is a part of it.

Having a crush is more addictive than stress ever was.

—

_I got a B._

_They’ll kill me._

Xisuma knows he should be at lunch right now. He knows that Keralis and the others may wonder where he is.

_Who am I kidding, I’m barely ever there… Meetings, Errands for teachers, studying in the library… They probably think nothing of my disappearance._

Tears escape his eyes and fog up his glasses. He hates that he thought he could get away with an extra session with Keralis.

He thought that after over a month of perfect As while tutoring Keralis, it’d be okay to add another session. That it wouldn’t get in the way of his grades.

_I’m an idiot._

His tanned fingers grip onto the edge of his glasses, pulling them off and letting the world get just a bit blurry.

Tears roll down his cheeks and he feels them burning his skin, making his bangs stick to the sides of his face. In the end, he should’ve known. He knows that failure comes with distractions. His parents have taught him as much. _But Keralis is such a_ nice _distraction._

He can imagine what will happen when his parents find out he got a B on a quiz.

_I don’t have to imagine…_

Shaking hands clutch onto his long sleeves, pulling them up so he can stare at the jaggedy scars on his arms. Most of them aren’t even from him. They’re _his_ _fault_ of course, but his parents just want him to learn how to succeed before he moves out.

That’s why they hurt him. They just want the best for him… right?

The tears fall faster and faster as he feels his breathing become an uneven melody that scratches and is untuned with every peak.

_Why am I defending them still? I know it’s wrong. I know… I’ve read that it’s wrong. I’ve seen people agree it’s wrong…_ I _think it’s wrong…_

_But-_

_Why do I want to believe them? Why does everything they tell me make so much sense to me when it_ shouldn’t _?_

_Why am I so broken?_

Xisuma shakily grasps the fabric of his shirt, sobbing uncontrollably and barely managing to hear the creaking of the bathroom door.

_Fuck._

He brings up a hand to cover his mouth. His entire body is the opposite of still, unable to slow down and unable to keep still as he shakes with every pained sob.

There’s footsteps and then a voice. A familiar and beautiful and amazing voice that he wishes he didn’t hear.

“Shishwammy?”

_Why why why why-_

Xisuma keeps still. Or as much as he can. He keeps his hand clasped over his mouth, eyes firmly shut in the hope it’ll prevent Keralis from noticing he’s there.

Step.

Step step.

Keralis’s footsteps echo inside the bathroom, bouncing off each stall door as he walks around for a moment.

Clatter!

He flinches when he hears something fall off his lap and he realizes it’s his glasses far too late.

“Shishwammy, are you in there? Dose’ look like your glasses.”

_Fuck fuck fuck—_

_I’m sorry Keralis— Why am I such a failure, I’ve worked so hard not to be—_

There’s a knock on his stall door.

His glasses remain on the bathroom tile, an unbelievable traitor.

“Shishwammy, please, I’m worried.”

_I can picture his eyes. Those damn doe eyes… I don’t want him hurt… but but—_

Xisuma let’s go of his shirt and reaches out to unlock the door. It makes a click and then Keralis is gently pushing open the door all the way.

Loving brown eyes stare at him with the most care he’s ever seen in a pair of eyes looking at him. 

His eyebrows furrow and he gets on his knees, so be at eye level with Xisuma. Keralis reaches out slowly, as if giving Xisuma time to push his hand away (he doesn’t).

Fingers wrap tenderly around his hand and pull it away from his mouth. Said fingers interlace with his own, sending comfort up his spine.

“What’s wrong Shishwammy?”

The nickname and the soft touch break him completely and he finds his voice coming out scratchy and like a broken record.

“ _Everything_.”

Keralis squeezes his hand, “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Can I have a hug instead?”

Without hesitation, without even answering the question, Keralis answers it in a better way. He reaches out, letting go of Xisuma’s hand for the sake of standing up and wrapping both arms around Xisuma.

One of his hands begins to run through the tanned male’s hair, while the other traces circles on his back.

Xisuma’s hands cling to the back of Keralis’ shirt. He cries even harder into the blue fabric.

“I’m such a failure.”

An instant: “No you aren’t. You’re _so talented._ And smart. And beautiful. Okay?”

He doesn’t respond. He just sobs.

Keralis continues softly, “If you’re a failure, then how did I go from a D student in most of my classes to a B student within a month?”

_His shirt is blue. It’s not gray._

_He’d never hurt me. But they’ve raised me… they know me better…_

A quiet, “Why do I let them hurt me?”

The other pauses. Before Keralis is on his knees again so he can meet Xisuma’s eyes.

The edges of Keralis’ hair are a bit blurry, but he can still meet his eyes well enough.

“Because I think they tell you lies and after a while you started believing them.”

Xisuma laughs dryly, “I believe them alright-“

“I said lies for a reason, Shishwammy. You’re not a failure, you’re so smart.”

The way Keralis says it makes it feel as if there’s no possible other truth. His voice fills his ears and it makes him feel safe. Safer than he’s felt in a while.

“Okay… I don’t know how to believe you… but I _trust_ you.”

They stand there a while.

The bell rings at some point but they take their time.

Xisuma thinks being late to class isn’t the worst thing in the world.

His filter has been thoroughly damaged for the time being.


End file.
